The diminishing ministry skill that is most threatened in church culture is, simply, listening… I just named it a simple skill, but that doesn’t mean the effective, transformational practice of listening is what people generally think it is. Transformational listening is not a passive pursuit, like a catcher waiting for the pitcher to throw one across the plate. No, it’s more like two pitchers playing catch.
When we are listening as catalysts for transformation, we are not merely receivers, but givers. And when we are practicing it well, it feels like a two-stroke give/give engine propelling us into deeper waters with the people we’re trying to impact in our ministry.
In our research work with churches all over the country, we often begin our relationship with a church by giving them a listening exercise to do with people in their congregation. Every single time we do this, we hear back from churches about their eye-opening experience. Typical of their responses is this: “We were shocked by how much the parents we gathered for our listening exercise loved it—so many of them asked us if they could do this again.” And then this: “We never do this kind of thing, and we don’t know why—we should!”
To be clear, our team creates carefully constructed guides for these listening experiences—this is intentional listening paired with questions crafted to fuel conversation. The effect, for those who are engaging these questions, is the sense that someone is determined to see them well. We’re not listening to tabulate answers, we’re listening to unlock the person in front of us. Monologue environments in ministry are deadening to people; dialogue environments in ministry invite them into alive-ness. This requires a different approach to listening—what I’m describing is an art form, not mining for information.
We’ve learned that when we set out to listen to people, the act of intentional listening surprises and captures them. It is a profound human experience to be paid attention to at a deeper level than we’re used to. Here are markers for a much more robust listening pursuit—I invite you to experiment with them in both informal conversation and formal formation environments…
- Ask more “Why?” questions and fewer “What?” questions. “Why?” questions force a kind of internal “chewing”—they naturally focus on the heart, because they target motivation. But “What?” questions often focus on data, surface information, and the obvious. So, instead of “What did you do today?” it’s “You seem a little worried [or other observation]—why?”
- Ask questions that don’t have obvious answers, and require more than a one-word answer. So, a question with an obvious-answer or one-word answer in a Bible study focused on John 16 might be: “When Jesus tells His disciples He’ll be going away, what did He compare His disciples’ grief to?” Instead, we ask: “When Jesus tells His disciples He’ll be going away He compares their grief to a woman’s struggle in labor—why?”
- Ask questions that have an element of surprise in them—that make you stop and think. Many of our conversational or formal discussion questions telegraph “the right answer”—they’re not really questions, they’re declarations masquerading as questions. For example, instead of “Why is God’s promise to ‘supply all your needs from his glorious riches’ so trustworthy?” we ask “What’s something you’ve struggled to trust God for in your life, and why?”
- Ask questions that are specific—narrow the question from a broad focus to a very narrow focus, and spotlight one target. Many discussion questions are way too broad in their focus—they look good or sound good, but are almost impossible to answer. For example, using John 16 as the text again, here’s a too-broad question: “How is Jesus ‘overcoming the world’ right now in your life?” Better to ask: “When we’re struggling, Jesus wants us to know He’s ‘overcome the world’—what does that promise mean to you?
- Ask questions that invite a personal response, not just a theoretical response—questions that ask us to share from our heart, not just our head. Using that same reference from John 16, for example, we replace “How do you think the disciples felt when Jesus told them ‘I have overcome the world’?” with “How have you experienced Jesus helping you through a struggle?”
- Fish for insights with people by treating your questions like nets. Like “fishers of men,” we’re trying to access insights and self-awareness in people. So, how do we do that? In response to something someone says in conversation or in a formation environment, we say things like: “I’d like to camp on your comment for a moment” or “You sparked an insight for me—tell me what you think,” or we simply re-state what we’ve heard and ask people to confirm and add to their insight.
- It’s vital—imperative—to ask follow-up questions. The simplest way to develop a habit of asking follow-up questions in conversation or discipleship environments is to ask “Why?” questions to flesh out a deeper conversation. For example, when a person answers the question, “What bothers Jesus about the Pharisees,” with the answer “He hates hypocrisy,” we follow up by asking “Why does He hate hypocrisy?” Keep asking “Why?” questions until you’ve drilled deeper into the heart of the issue—or the heart of Jesus. Other ways to fuel follow-up questions include: “Can you tell me more?” or “What brought you to that conclusion?” or “I wonder if…?” Jesus often studied the answers to His questions and offered additional insights or, more often, asked a clarifying or stretching question. The goal is to be fully engaged in the conversation.
Just for You!
My new book Editing Jesus is out. Just click on this link and you can download a pdf of a long excerpt from the book.
Help Is Here!
As we lean into a new year, with new ministry possibilities, check out our innovative, practical resources for help infusing your ministry environment with “rich soil” for transformation. Lent is just around the corner, so check out our simple, relational, resource Lenten TalkCards. And our newest resource is The Sacred Stories Project. This multi-media resource offers your people a simple, safe, and “normal” way to share aspects of their story in natural, genuine ways. And you get a more connected, honest, and “known” congregation. It’s four guided sessions with accompanying video segments from Adam Young, trauma counselor and host of the podcast The Place We Find Ourselves.
And check out our new resource Listening to Jesus Together. It’s a set of six carefully crafted “listening encounters” designed for three people to experience together—online or in-person. The goal is to give people in your congregation a weekly “reminder habit” to help them listen to Jesus in the context of a short-term small-community experience.
Next, Following Jesus is a curriculum resource you can use with both adults and teenagers in your church this fall—help them explore what an ABIDING/REMAINING relationship with Jesus is like. It’s an experiential, highly interactive, co-discovery way to invite people into deeper intimacy with Jesus.
And The Life of Jesus TalkCards is a simple, devotional way to invite small groups into the heart of Jesus.
Rick Lawrence is Executive Director of Vibrant Faith—he created the new curriculum Following Jesus. He’s editor of the Jesus-Centered Bible and author of 40 books, including his new release Editing Jesus: Confronting the Distorted Faith of the American Church, The Suicide Solution, The Jesus-Centered Life and Jesus-Centered Daily. He hosts the podcast Paying Ridiculous Attention to Jesus.