Early in her career, sociologist and author Brene Brown was on a mission to deconstruct the “secret sauce” of connectivity. “By the time you’re a social worker for 10 years,” she says, “what you realize is that connection is why we’re here. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it’s all about.” Unfortunately, Brown discovered, vulnerability is the key to meaningful connections with others. Unfortunate, because Brown herself was gripped by shame and unwilling to exercise her vulnerability. So she set out to pull apart the components of vulnerability, trying to construct her own Rube Goldberg version that would not require actual vulnerability.
But she failed in that quest. And along the way, she learned how to be vulnerable.
When she first started sharing about her journey with vulnerability, and its innate power to deepen community, she highlighted the role of shame as the primary barrier to intimacy in our relationships. She discovered that some people have a strong sense of belonging—a relaxed conviction that they are loved—and some do not. The difference, she found, was that the first group of people felt worthy of love and belonging. They were not imprisoned by shame:
“The hard part… that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we’re not worthy of connection… What [those who feel worthy of love] have in common is a sense of courage… These folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others… We can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly… The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn’t talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating… They just talked about it being necessary.”
I’ve explored the tension between vulnerability and shame in my own connecting environments. In a small-group context I gave people three options to share something about their life with a partner. Here are the choices I gave them:
- I’d like to share something about a struggle I’m wrestling with right now…
- I’d like to share something about an unexpected grace or mercy in my life right now…
- I’d like to share something fun that happened over the last week…
As you might expect, most people chose to share something related to #1 or #2. From this, I asked them to place themselves on a continuum of vulnerability (a vulnerable act in itself): On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you assess your default setting relative to vulnerability—1 is Very Reluctant and 10 is Very Eager. We learned, together, how relaxed or charged vulnerability is for each of us…
Then I showed the group a scene from the Oscar-winning film Good Will Hunting. It’s the story of a young man who works as a janitor at MIT in Boston—Will has a brilliant math mind but his life is so broken and messed-up that he keeps sabotaging himself. He’s cocky and arrogant and combative and in-your-face, because the trauma from the abuse he’s experience makes him militantly protective. His last chance to change the trajectory of his life, to actually get into MIT as a student, requires him to meet with a school counselor named Sean. In his first meeting with Sean, Will goes off on him—making fun of a watercolor painting on Sean’s wall by using the painting to describe what a failed life Sean must have had, and even disparages Sean’s dead wife. Sean is so angry that he grabs Will by the throat, briefly.
The scene I showed from the film is Sean’s first meeting with Will after this intense altercation. The two meet on a park bench. Now, Sean could simply confront the behavior in Will that fed into his reaction. But instead, he uses his own vulnerability like a scalpel, cutting through Will’s arrogance and belligerence to reach his own vulnerability. After we watched this scene together, I asked the group: Why is vulnerability so important? And what can we learn from Jesus about our path into vulnerability?
Together, we explored what Jesus says in Matthew 7:6: “Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.” This, we agreed, is the wisdom of Jesus about our vulnerability. Pigs trample on pearls because they don’t understand their worth. We are to treat our vulnerability like those priceless pearls—discerning who can (and who can’t) treat our treasured vulnerability with the worth it deserves.
In some African countries they use a greeting that is quite different from our Western “How are you?” Greeting: “I am here to be seen.” Response: “And I see you.” This exchange implies a kind of vulnerability we are allergic to in the West. Vulnerability is fraught with danger for us… This is likely why Brene Brown’s famous TED Talk is the most-watched of all time—“The Power of Vulnerability.”
So, how do we develop vulnerability, and how do we help others in our congregation to explore their own vulnerability? In Jesus’ encounter with the “immoral woman” in Luke 7:36-50 we have both a model of vulnerability and a guide to interacting with others in a way that draws out their vulnerability. The religious leaders in this setting—a gathering of the religious elite in a “bubble” environment—see the woman’s unabashed vulnerability as something typical of an unrefined, lower-class sensibility. But Jesus treats her vulnerability as the highest expression of human courage. In her vulnerability with Him she is offering her trust, the most precious thing she has. And Jesus, no pig, accurately values what she’s offering.
In every community setting we are side-by-side with people who owe a great debt that they can’t repay. That’s true of the privileged environment of this encounter as well—and in this room full of debtors, this “immoral woman” is the only one who admits her debt. Her courage invites relationship, and Jesus responds by offering her relationship. This is the organic growth process of connection and community.
We are all great debtors—and when share our own debt we invite others to own their own indebtedness, too. Simply, we risk to tell the unvarnished truth about ourselves—but with intentionality. We gauge the environment and the people with whom we risk, not offering our pearls to pigs, but actively and persistently offering them to people who know treasure when they see it.
Sometimes, the only way to discern a pig environment from a non-pig environment is to roll out a pearl into the room and see what happens… Not all our pearls, but one pearl is necessary to assess the risk level. As leaders who go first, this is our gift to our community—to draw out those who have been keeping their pearls under lock and key. This is why, by the way, we developed a resource that invites people to roll out their pearls into the room. It’s called The Sacred Stories Project, and it’s designed as a progressive onramp into vulnerability for groups. I encourage you to check it out—if you increase the waterline for vulnerability in your congregation, you exponentially impact the connectedness in your community.
Just for You!
My new book Editing Jesus is out. Just click on this link and you can download a pdf of a long excerpt from the book.
Help Is Here!
As we deeper into our liturgical year, with new ministry possibilities, check out our innovative, practical resources for help infusing your ministry environment with “rich soil” for transformation. Check out our simple, relational, resource Lenten TalkCards. And our newest resource is The Sacred Stories Project. This multi-media resource offers your people a simple, safe, and “normal” way to share aspects of their story in natural, genuine ways. And you get a more connected, honest, and “known” congregation. It’s four guided sessions with accompanying video segments from Adam Young, trauma counselor and host of the podcast The Place We Find Ourselves.
And check out our new resource Listening to Jesus Together. It’s a set of six carefully crafted “listening encounters” designed for three people to experience together—online or in-person. The goal is to give people in your congregation a weekly “reminder habit” to help them listen to Jesus in the context of a short-term small-community experience.
Next, Following Jesus is a curriculum resource you can use with both adults and teenagers in your church this fall—help them explore what an ABIDING/REMAINING relationship with Jesus is like. It’s an experiential, highly interactive, co-discovery way to invite people into deeper intimacy with Jesus.
And The Life of Jesus TalkCards is a simple, devotional way to invite small groups into the heart of Jesus.
Rick Lawrence is Executive Director of Vibrant Faith—he created the new curriculum Following Jesus. He’s editor of the Jesus-Centered Bible and author of 40 books, including his new release Editing Jesus: Confronting the Distorted Faith of the American Church, The Suicide Solution, The Jesus-Centered Life and Jesus-Centered Daily. He hosts the podcast Paying Ridiculous Attention to Jesus.
