The 5 Listening Mistakes Leaders Make
We’re nearing the finish line of our four-year research project “4-Soil Parenting,” and one of our primary takeaways is a truth we’ve heard project leaders and parents tell us over and over: Listening is a powerful catalyst for growth. In fact, during this week’s free ministry leadership webinar (“Who’s In Your Pews?”) we spotlighted listening as a primary imperative for ministry leaders who are trying to attract, serve, and equip families in their congregation and community. Toward the end of the webinar, a participant asked us to give examples of the listening experiments and resources we’ve developed through our work in the 4th-Soil Parenting Project. That was easy—Pop-Up Conversations for Parents is one of many new listening-focused resources we’ve developed in partnership with our participating churches in the project.
When we learn to listen better to parents, and give them guided opportunities to listen to each other, good things happen. Really good things happen. And that’s no accident—over and over, Jesus modeled an acute form of listening that tapped into deeper currents in the stories of those He encountered. A perfect example: His remarkable conversation with “the woman at the well” in John 4. Despite the cultural and racial animosity between Jews and Samaritans, Jesus asks the woman for a drink—a simple bridge into a deep conversation about her personal history and deeper longings. When He offers her “living water” He reveals Himself as the Messiah, and the encounter upends her life. She exits an identity marked by failure and shame, and enters into a new identity as history’s first Jesus-loving evangelist.
If we step back from listening as a ministry strategy and consider it more deeply as a spiritual discipline, we discover that transformational listening (the kind Jesus practiced) requires more than we assume… In a Harvard Business Review piece (“Are You Really a Good Listener?”) written by Jeffrey Yip, assistant professor of management and organization studies at Simon Fraser University, and Colin M. Fisher, associate professor of organizations and innovation at University College London’s School of Management, the two business-school professors highlight the mistakes leaders make when they set out to listen to the people they lead. Yip and Fisher pored over 117 studies on workplace listening and condensed their takeaways into five observations:
- Listening driven by haste.
Yip and Fisher write: “Listening with haste can be worse than not listening at all. When you respond to people too quickly, they’re likely to feel frustrated, demeaned, or unimportant. And when you miss the message because you’re hurrying, you may also make decisions based on incomplete information, which can further demotivate your team. Good listening is a demanding task that takes time. In our work we’ve found that people feel heard only when listeners focus their attention, demonstrate interest, and ensure that they’ve understood.” Essentially, hasteful listening translates to a fundamental devaluing of the person(s) you’re engaging. The tyranny of one imperative (our goals, timeline, or assumptions) trumps the treasure of our real imperative (listening to unlock the mystery-truths of the person or people we’re engaging). - Listening defensively.
Yip and Fisher write: “When listeners avoid being judgmental and instead express empathy, speakers are less anxious and thus better able to handle disagreement should it arise… The lesson is to steel yourself against defensiveness by calming your own emotions and seeking to understand the other parties’ intentions before responding.” When we listen to others with our finger on the trigger of our defensive reactions, we communicate our insecurity, immaturity, and lack of differentiation. And most of us are guilty of listening this way. Veiled accusations and faulty thinking have a way of surfacing the tiger within. When we listen to understand instead of listen to win, we’re living out our dependent trust in Jesus—that He is faithful to defend what needs to be defended in us. - Listening with subtle indifference.
We all know that our body language and physical cues have a powerful impact on the listening experience. Just last week, I was in deep conversation with two close friends in two different encounters. One seemed distracted, because he looked away at others in the coffee shop when I was talking. The other seemed to be concerned about the time, even though we’d agreed to meet for a specified period. In both cases I believe my friends were engaged and interested in our conversation, but their subtle cues told me otherwise. Yip and Fisher write: “To avoid appearing indifferent, leaders must be more communicative and transparent. They can use body language known as ‘back channeling’—behaviors that signal that they’re listening. They include maintaining eye contact, nodding, and adopting an open posture (with your arms relaxed at your sides rather than crossed in front of your chest, for example).” - Listening while exhausted.
Yip and Fisher write: “When leaders are physically or emotionally drained, they lose their capacity to focus, process, and engage productively with employees… Despite being present physically, [the leader’s] attention drifts, and [he/she] is unable to respond thoughtfully.” Simply, sometimes we’re not in the right place to listen well. Self-awareness is the key to so many of our impactful conversations with people. This is why Jesus so often withdrew to be by Himself—His interactions with people were deep and intentional, and He knew He couldn’t simply listen without breaks to restore and recharge His soul. Yes, people with needs could not get what they were looking for when Jesus withdrew, but He understood that they would (also) not get what they were looking for if He listened in a state of exhaustion. - Listening without acting.
When we listen to someone and offer the appearance of understanding without the “payload” of understanding, we functionally disrespect what they’ve told us. I mean, when our listening is not paired with our doing, it feels like we’re offering lip service. Yip and Fisher write: “Listening without subsequent action or explanation leads [people] to believe their efforts—and yours—have been pointless. There is a fix for this: Always close the loop. Before ending a conversation, affirm what you’ve heard, identify the next steps for action, and agree on a timeline for checking back in. That emphasizes forward momentum and ensures accountability.” When Jesus “listens” to what Zaccheaus is communicating—a notorious and hated tax collector perched above Him in a tree in an effort to get close to Him, His response is: “Zacchaeus! Quick, come down! I must be a guest in your home today.” His listening is paired with an action that underscores what He has “heard.”
Rick Lawrence is Executive Director of Vibrant Faith—he created the new curriculum Following Jesus. He’s editor of the Jesus-Centered Bible and author of 40 books, including his new release Editing Jesus: Confronting the Distorted Faith of the American Church, The Suicide Solution, The Jesus-Centered Life and Jesus-Centered Daily. He hosts the podcast Paying Ridiculous Attention to Jesus.
