What We’re Learning: The Importance of Leaning In
I’m guessing you might have noticed that there are fewer children in many churches these days. The number of children in our Sunday schools is declining—for some churches, so dramatically that they wonder whether they should continue to keep it alive. There are also many churches that have more or less given up their youth ministries. Of course, there exceptions to these dire trends. But many communities of faith, across a wide variety of theological traditions, are in reality engaging far fewer people from the next generations.
Some churches have focused their energy on finding another model for youth and children’s ministry, because the classroom model is so hard to maintain and doesn’t appear to lead to spiritual development. Now, new models include large-group programming with small-group conversation or providing parallel lesson time during the sermon. Some churches are providing missional experiences for youth instead of a youth group.
Here at Vibrant Faith, we’re wondering if a very different conversation needs to take place, apart from new ministry models.
In preparation for our newest grant work on Nurturing Children In Worship and Prayer, we put out a short survey to our email list. Ministry leaders around the country shared the realities of next-gen ministry in their context. We asked: “Among leaders in your church, our concern about the drain of families from our church is (High, Somewhat, or Low).” Three-quarters (75%) expressed significant concern. Then we asked: “What are your primary concerns for the families in your church?” Here’s a sampler of their responses:
- Seem to be overscheduled and exhaustingly busy all the time.
- The need for two incomes to provide and the strain it causes.
- May not be using the resources we provide.
- Many parents know little about Scripture or the faith.
- They do not prioritize a relationship with Jesus as part of their lives.
- Not worshipping God, they are worshiping sports, etc.
- Helping them to make church a bigger priority.
None of these concerns from ministry leaders is new. I’ve heard them for as long as I’ve been involved in ministry. But as we began to talk about what leaders named as their concerns for families, my colleague Rick Lawrence noted: “These ‘concerns’ sound just like a spouse complaining about their partner: ‘If only XXXXXXXX would change, I’d be happy in this marriage.’”
Our conversation reminded me of a recent podcast featuring Dr. Arthur Brooks, the Harvard Psychology Professor. He was interviewed about marriages that last on the John Delony Show. Here’s what he had to say:
“One of the things that your prefrontal cortex can do that your limbic system can’t is… By the way, this is one of the great secrets of the marriages with the greatest longevity, right? When you feel avoidance, you practice approach. That’s what great marriages have in common, and that’s pure prefrontal cortex. Your limbic system says, avoid, avoid. You’re annoyed, she bums me out, she’s irritating me, she’s on my case. There’s dishes in the sink. I’m just gonna go down to the man cave and watch a game. That’s it. Right? No, no, no, no. That’s when you say, bring it in. I’m gonna go hug. I’m gonna say, I love you. That’s when you say I love you most when I feel it the least. I have one-touch flower ordering on my phone.”
You get the connection…
Friends it’s time to take a different approach with the parents and families who are connected to your church. Instead of wishing they would change, and criticizing their priorities, it’s time to lean in to them and their lives. The model doesn’t matter if we fundamentally resent the people we are serving. Here are examples of leaning-in that came as responses to our survey question.
- Creating a community of support for and among our families.
- Supporting them through the tough seasons of life.
- Equipping their faith life at home.
So, as you’re gearing up for another ministry season, what would it look like to just note your reactions, beliefs, and critiques about the families in your church? Can you lean in and let God help you to open your heart to them in a new way, as you seek to put yourself in their shoes?
Several of our 4th-Soil Parenting Project churches have turned around their congregational culture simply by leaning-in to the faith lives of their parents. In the coming months we’ll feature their stories—how they leaned in, and what they’ve been learning.
Dr. Nancy Going serves as the Director of Research & Resource Development for Vibrant Faith. Nancy lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband Art, an Anglican priest, and they have launched two new families from their children.